Monday, July 23, 2012

overwhelming enough on land

I remember going to see a Franz Ferdinand show in Williamsburg many many years ago. I stood in line to enter a huge space that was called Volume on North 13th Street. I went with my sister. The minute we walked in she grabbed my arm and told me we were staying right there-by the door. "There are only 2 exits!" she informed me.

I have never been comfortable at a show since. The thoughts of fires, stampedes and such consume me every time. I had never even thought about it until that fateful show with my sister. Funny thing is, that venue closed-for that very reason. Exits. Not enough of them. Damn, my sister's smart.

So this: making my stomach churn. The wonders of Coachella will now be taken to the sea. You and +2500 other music revelers can be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean together. Well, it's not really the middle of the ocean. It is only going a day or two out from Florida.

I have never, in my entire life, ever wanted to take a cruise. For fun. So dumb. Boats are for transporting. Like trains, plains and automobiles. I would take a boat from here to Spain or something, if it were the cheaper option and I had all the time in the world.

I don't love boats. Or water. Or bridges, for that matter. Boats do this:

And this:

Plus, who could forget this:

Did you know that throwing a whole bunch of dirty people on a boat can spread sickness? No? Well, it can. The most hilarious news article title. "Sickness puts the ooze in cruise." Think about it. A whole boat full of people drinking. A lot. How much shit can a boat contain? Seriously.


Let's just break down the potential cost of possible sickness and sinking. Mm'ok?

Total cost for 3 day cruise to Bahamas
  • Airfare from NYC to Ft. Lauderdale Jet Blue round trip (as of 7/21/12) $300 
  • Room to share with 3 other idiots (bunk beds??) $500
  • Service fee (this includes gratuity tips) $200
  • Drinks for me (if say, 12 hours a day of drinking, I drink a beer an hour and the beers are $7) $250
  • Drinks for Ely James (he says he would drink 3 beers an hour!) $756
$1250 for me. $1756 for Ely James. $3000 for us both to go together and be stuck on a boat. With drum circles and shit. Funding a right wing organization.

Our 2010 trip to Coachella
  • Round trip airfare for 2  from NYC to Palm Springs with convertible car included: $800
  • Coachella VIP passes (thank you ohmyrockness) FREE!!
  • Camping for 2 inside the Coachella campgrounds: $110
  • Two nights at the ACE hotel, newly opened: $178
  • Drinks (only had about 10 each of their $7 heinekens in the course of 3 days but drank plenty of margaritas at Las Casuelas) ???
  • Having the freedom (sort of) to come and go as we pleased: fucking priceless

Maybe $1200 total for the both of us. Plus it looked like this:

Through researching for this post-I found that there are tons of these cruises.

Rock Legends Cruise

Finally, the only cruise that I actually knew existed before delving into all this.

Just imagine it. A whole boat full of NKOTB fans. Looks something crazy eyed like this:


I wonder who will guess the correct numbers, onboard the SS Coachella, for the following events:

  • falling off the boat
  • getting kicked off the boat (by authorities)
  • getting kicked off the boat (by an angry person)
  • getting gastronomial whatever
  • overdosing
  • sneaking in an under aged child
  • sneaking in a pet (snakes on a boat?!!)
  • bottle cuts (or is it a glass free zone?)
  • sexual conquests
  • cigarette butts consumed
  • etc. etc. etc.

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